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First Heavenly Birthday

Most Birthdays are considered a celebration of life, and I agree with this 100%, but Justice's Birthdays were different for me. I cried every single year on her Birthday. I would always tell her the story of her birth, and she loved every little detail. I would tell her how I was worried I would be a bad mom and not love her because my pregnancy was so surreal to me, and I didn't feel connected to my pregnant belly. Then Justice would giggle when I would tell her how I fell in love with her the second I held her in my arms and how she rocked my world to its core. 
Even though I was sad on Justice's Birthday, we still had fun. I was just sad because she was growing older so quickly. I cried because the time with her was moving too fast. I wanted her to stay little forever; I wanted to enjoy every minute with her. Except, I also loved watching her grow up and become more independent; this is probably a struggle every parent deals with in some way or another. I share all of this because looking back on Justice's life, I feel I had an inner knowing that Justice's life would be short, and I wouldn't get many birthdays with her.
In 2020, Justice graduated high school and turned 18 years old the next day. For a month before her graduation and Birthday, I was a mess. I even talked to my life coach about my emotions and how to get through the fact that Justice grew up and would soon be moving on. She reminded me that life was a beautiful journey, and I needed to find happiness for Justice and not focus on my sadness, so that is what I did. 
After Justice passed, I found so many of Justice’s writings. I had also found letters that I wrote to her. This letter I am sharing, I wrote on the morning of Justice's 13th Birthday. I remember crying the whole time while writing; I remember crying even harder as I handed her the letter, Justice probably questioned my sanity a few times, but she never questioned my love.
So today, as I write this blog and the tears roll down my cheeks, I hope to remind you to live a life of no regrets, say the hard things that are on your mind. Show your love to the people who matter most. Don't live a life of fear and find your true happiness wherever that may be.
To Justice on her 13th Birthday…
Justice, how does it happen in a blink of an eye? You were the little girl that rocked my world; you changed me! You made me love like no other love I have ever felt. You were the best little girl any mom could ever ask for, and I have enjoyed the journey of raising you more than you will ever know. 
When you were little, you were a determined, very strong-willed, cuddly little girl. I was always so proud of your accomplishments. You are the youngest kid I had ever met to learn to ride your bike in one day before you were 3 ½ years old.
Although you have not followed the path I thought you would have, you have followed your path, and that makes me so proud of you. As you grow into a young woman, you have given me plenty of challenges, as you are a person who doesn't like to listen to the word "NO!" I hope that fight you have deep down inside of you will help you in the game of life. I know your future will be full of success, and your dreams will guide you to work for what you want. I can't wait to see the direction you decide to take in life. 
Today, you become a teenager, which is exciting and scary in so many ways. I know you will make many mistakes because that is how teenagers learn. I hope the choices you make in your teenage years will give you great life lessons, so you can be the smartest, happiest, most caring, and determined young woman you can be.
Please don't stop talking to me; I will always be here for you! I love you with all of my heart. Thank you for being you!
Love, Mom

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