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How do I stop worrying about somebody dying?


     I have spent my life worrying about things I can't control. I remember being a little girl and worrying my parents would die in an accident. I remember numerous times staring out the living room window just waiting to see the lights of my dad's pickup driving down our country road toward our house. Once seeing his lights, I would instantly relax, knowing he was safe and just about home. I have no idea where this fear came from, but I can't remember a time in my life when this fear didn't exist within me.

     So after my dad died, the fear of another loved one dying significantly intensified. I didn't worry about my death, but a loved one's death terrified me. I can't even count the number of times I was sure Darren died in an accident because he wouldn't answer his phone (only because he was out of phone service), and I mentally would start to prepare myself for the next steps of my life. I would prepare myself for being told the news, then telling our kids, then planning his funeral and figuring out life moving forward, just like my mom had to do. I hated it when my mind would start spinning out with these thoughts, but nothing would stop it until I heard Darren's voice.

     After Justice died, I realized I never let myself think about my kids dying, I worried they were going to die, but I never let my thoughts go any further. I did not allow myself to spin out and plan my actions if such a tragedy happened; I just couldn't go there.

     I often feel sorry Darren had to deal with my fears for many years. It doesn't help that Darren is a farmer and rancher, just like my dad, and his days can be so dangerous. The long hours, large equipment, dealing with the unpredictability of livestock and Mother Nature, lots of driving, and the lack of sleep always made me worry even more!

       So after Justice died, and I was analyzing life, I realized how much time I had spent worrying about the possibility of a loved one dying, but it didn't stop them from dying; it just stopped me from living and sleeping regularly. I think of how many hundreds of hours I have lost worrying about everything I can't control. So now that I have realized this problem, how do I stop myself from worrying? It seems like a legitimate fear to worry about, especially with the events in my past. This fear has sabotaged my life, crippling me from living in the moment.

     I know overcoming my fear will take so much work, but I can do it, and awareness is the first step. In the future, I will try my hardest to focus on the things I can control and not let myself spin out on the things that are out of my control. I will control how I react to situations, emotions, attitude, thoughts, and actions. I can control all of this, and I am now aware of how I choose to live.

     So today, I will start to live without worry and be more mindful of my thoughts.

     To learn more about Love Like Justice, check out our website. You can purchase an item or donate money directly to Justice's Foundation on the website. In her memory, all proceeds go to Justice Foundation to light up the Historic Bell Street Bridge.

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