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Somedays Are More Painful Than Others


Every year during graduation, my mind will probably start spinning a little with all of my memories and wishes for Justice's future. Justice's graduation day was on May 24, 2020; it was during Covid, so Justice didn't have a party with her family; her grandparents and siblings could not be there to watch Justice get her diploma.

There was a sadness to this day, yet so much excitement for Justice and her classmate's future. I kept the card I wrote to Justice on this day and read it every once in a while, so I thought I would share it with all of you.

"I am so proud of you, my sweet Justice! This time in a person's life is so exciting; the possibilities are endless. Sometimes people don't have it all figured out right away and that is ok too. I know there will come a day that you do and you will work hard to follow your dreams.
I hope you have fun (but not too much) and make the best memories. I also hope you find a passion you love and pursue what makes you happy.
Be true to yourself and love the person you are on the inside and out.
Love, Mom"

Darren added this to the bottom of the card, which I remember Justice laughing about...

"I'm very proud of you! And ditto to everything mom said! Love, Dad"

One month and one day later, Justice was killed in an accident and all of my hopes for the future died that day too.

The next time we were on this football field where Justice graduated was the day of Justice's funeral. I remember thinking, I need to get through the funeral and tomorrow, I will check myself into a mental hospital.

I never did go into that mental hospital because I realized it couldn't bring Justice back to me. I also chose not to be put on any anti-depressants because I knew someday I would have to get off of them, and no matter what, Justice would still be dead. So I struggled every day to find peace in my heart and feel normal again.

When I look back at all of this, I realize that I never got mad; I asked why a lot, but I was not angry at the universe. I felt like Justice was needed for something greater than I would ever understand. I remember telling myself this a lot because I couldn't understand why my kid, which was so amazing, could be taken from this earth. It was the only explanation that made sense to me.

There is still so much I don't understand about death and the grieving process, but I am forever grateful that I am slowly healing. I will never be that person I was on the day of Justice's graduation with all of those hopes and dreams for her future. But I will continue to live this life with purpose and dig deep to move forward with my new hopes and dreams because the day I die, I don't want to regret that I let my fears and sadness overcome what I could have been.

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